sounds of hope

My heart felt a little heavy today. With this heaviness I seem to have fallen into some clarity, some lightness, room to breathe more deeply. When people I love leave this world I tend to receive beautiful gifts. I truly believe we all receive them. For some reason I've become especially aware of their lack of physical presence as well as the strength in their energetic presence. It's a confusing moment to feel emptiness and fullness all at the same time. As I'm writing this I noticed the song that "randomly" came on is titled Hope. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a message from my beautiful and incredibly strong cousin who seems to be much closer to me now. It's moments like these that are so pure, so raw and filled with mixed emotion, tears of joy and sadness melting into one another.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how fear creates these barriers within. How exactly do I take down all the walls I've put up? Am I strong enough to make the changes I'd like to make? As strange as it seems, my cousin moving on to wherever it is she's gone to has given me this strength in knowing I will just do it. I feel like I was shown how important it is that I move forward in all areas of my life, rather than focusing on some while ignoring the rest. My heart can't be open in some areas but closed in others. It feels disjointed and unbalanced, insecurities ready to creep in from the shadows when I'm not looking. If I'm afraid of what effect expressing the large amount of love inside will have, of course its going to bring up negative experiences. It's as if I've surrounded that love, joy, and passion in my heart with little creatures of fear. Eliminating these unwanted creatures means that I can radiate love without remnants of fear, or distrust. Sending out love in its simplest form will bring only love right back to me. This song called Hope, with no words just music, is a message that I'm strong enough to transform the fear into love.

Heart Chakra Tidbits
 
Location Chest, Heart, Cardiac Plexus , Color is Green, Element is Air,  Function is Love,  Purpose is Love and Balance
 
Issues- Love, Balance, Self-Love, Relationship, Intimacy, Devotion, Reaching Out and Taking In

From Anodea Judith in Eastern Body Western Mind:"As we reflect upon ourselves, we integrate more and more pieces of ourselves. Our sense of the whole becomes larger and stronger. Like an ecosystem whose stability and magnificence increases with diversity, the whole of a person gains beauty and stability as more and more parts become integrated. We become more complex, more mature, and capable of greater and greater possibilities."

pause

Baleen Morning                     Balmorhea   
Love And Some Verses          Iron & Wine    
Heart Sutra                             Wah!   
Feel Good Lost Reprise         Broken Social Scene   
Familiar                                  Nils Frahm   
Om Mani Padme Hum           Wah!           
Bolo Ram                               Wah!   
Learn Yourself                       The Beautiful Girls   
Song for You                         Alexi Murdoch   
We Float                                Dustin O'Halloran   
You've Got the Kind of Nerve I Like            Tiny Ruins               
Suni-ai (slow)                        Snatam Kaur   
Anusara Prayer                      Wah!  
Om Namah Shiviya / Thy Will Be Done           Donna De Lory  

soul shine

Runner                    Dustin O'Halloran
Heart Sutra              Wah!
We Float                  Dustin O'Halloran
You Can Run           The Orbweavers
The Light                 The Album Leaf
Let's Forget All the Things That We Say       Julia Stone
Eastern Glow           The Album Leaf
Expression               Helen Jane Long
Follow the Sun         Xavier Rudd
Ong Namo                Snatam Kaur (live in concert)
We Move Lightly     Dustin O'Halloran
Baleen Morning       Balmorhea
January Rain            David Gray
Snow and Light       Dustin O'Halloran
Anusara Prayer        Wah!

hearts

Home           Dustin O'Halloran 

Guru Om            Donna De Lory
 
Ganesha            Wah!   

My Better Self             Tennis 
            
Awake My Soul            Mumford & Sons   

Gaytri mantra            Yoga Mix       

Let It Fall           Lykke Li   

Cloud Generator          Tycho   

I Am Mine            Brooke Waggoner   

The Minnow & The Trout            A Fine Frenzy   

Expression            Helen Jane Long       

We Move Lightly            Dustin O'Halloran     
 
Om Namah Shiviya / Thy Will Be Done            Donna De Lory   

Snow and Light            Dustin O'Halloran   

Steal His Heart            Emily and The Woods
             
Dream of Thaw            Balmorhea   

Anusara Prayer            Wah!    Opening to Bliss   

findings

Life has a way of throwing unexpected moments our direction. Even knowing that nothing is ever certain, these moments come as a surprise. We can either get carried away by the shock of the experience or we can accept it, find our strength, and move through it with gratitude. When one of these moments recently found its way into my life I noticed something different take place. I grounded myself, allowed time to let emotions run through me and began moving forward. Typically, I fight the grounding stage and either go straight into the emotion or even worse I skip emotions and go right on trying to move forward. When I skip grounding myself there is nothing to contain the feelings I have and they go spilling out all over the place. It's totally messy and takes forever to pull it together again. It's like picking up pieces of myself like shattered glass you keep finding for days. Those lost pieces of glass are usually found first by the soles of my feet, not my eyes. Sadness, anger, confusion, hurt and everything else that gets thrown about, when without a proper container, has the same effect. At some point I have to deal with these scattered emotions because they always find me. I guess for this reason I've gotten into the habit of skipping over the need to experience what I'm feeling. Going straight to my core, my strength, everything's great, better than great...at first. It's like I can take on anything and I become this powerhouse of unrealistic positivity. Just as quickly as that force rolls in, it disappears almost entirely. I'm left exhausted and feel completely unable to deal with all the emotional junk that seems to empty out of me all in one shot. It becomes too overwhelming to come across those pieces of glass I start stepping on because they are everywhere. Big mess. Skipping steps truly makes the process last longer. Experiencing each part of the process this time has been incredible in more ways than I can even explain. By choosing strength, I connected with parts of myself I haven't seen in way too long. Instead of shattering I became more whole. I have that comfy, stable, breath of fresh air kind of feeling I get when walking into my home after traveling for a long time. As I place my bags down I think "so, this is where I live" because in that moment it is so familiar and somehow so new. Fresh eyes make everything beautiful. These moments of self discovery are completely uplifting and inspiring. Life feels brighter this way. I feel clearer, more grateful and alive.


Solar Plexus Chakra Tidbits
 
Location Navel, Solar Plexus, Color is Yellow, Element is Fire,  Function is Will, Power, Self-knowledge, Purpose is Transformation
 
Issues- Energy, Activity, Autonomy, Individuation, Will, Self-Esteem, Proactivity, Power

From Anodea Judith in Eastern Body Western Mind: "...give up the attachment to being safe. This involves giving up wanting everything assured ahead of time and accepting that there might be some criticism, challenge, misunderstandings, rejection, or a possibility of failure. While safety may be important for survival issues and developing emotions, it is no challenge to our power if everything we do is already removed from any real risk...The challenge of power is to mature, accept responsibility, and carve the shape of our future through our own proactivity. Our power increases through meeting challenges and resolving them successfully. We must be willing to take risks, venture into the unknown, and escape the gravity of the familiar in order to expand upward and outward in the journey..."  

raw

Dream of Thaw                       Balmorhea 

Stars                                        The xx   
Love Love Love                       Tristan Prettyman   
Lay Myself Down                   Mazzy Star   
Don't You Give Up On Me     Milo Greene   
Light                                        Dr. Toast  

It's All Okay                            Julia Stone 
Lokah Samastah                      Sharon Gannon   
Infinity                                    The xx   
Cloud Generator                      Tycho   
You Can Run                           The Orbweavers  
Steal His Heart                        Emily and The Woods             
Ong Namo                              Snatam Kaur   
Sea of Love (Remastered)       Cat Power 
Anusara Prayer                        Wah!   

Snow and Light                       Dustin O'Halloran   

raw & true

How often have we all heard that yoga changes peoples lives. There are stories upon stories and miracles for days. So what I'm about to write may seem extremely obvious and overdone, but true regardless. Yoga has changed my life. This is the entire reason I decided to teach yoga and why I continue teaching. Yoga should be fun, exciting, freeing, and completely enjoyable. With this said, there is a seriousness that comes with it, a responsibility to ourselves. If we can really drop into ourselves and listen, truly listen without escaping it or just getting through it, we know how to move, how and when to settle in, we hear what our bodies are saying to us. So often we are focused on doing everything right, but what's right for each of us is different. The only way for me to know what is the best way for me to move is to listen. So my question for myself is why am I able to do this with yoga but at the moment forgetting this practice with the rest of my life? Using what I learn in my practice is sometimes difficult to translate to my life, even when it might seem so obvious its hard to believe I didn't see it sooner. It's natural for me to let go in a yin pose and surrender to the sensations that bubble up, but with my life it's a challenge for sure. Emotions I neglected, for way to long, have suddenly found their way into my life...to the point of not being able to stick them back into the place I once had them so neatly tucked away in. Truthfully, I don't want to put them back but I don't really want them in my face either. So now what? I could continue to torture myself over how I got here or how do I get out of this but it's only creating more stress. If I were holding a yin pose I would never go to these places in my mind, I would experience it, sit with it, explore it, but never try to "fix" what I'm feeling in that pose. So why am I doing it with my life outside of yoga? The only way to experience relief and move through this is to let it be there and resist the urge to "fix" myself or try to change the situation. After fighting myself and this feeling I finally feel like I'm able to accept the discomfort. I
allow myself to be whatever I am right now until I move through this sensation and into a new one. This is why I love yoga :)

Sacral  Chakra Tidbits

Located in the Lower Abdomen, Color is Orange, Element is Water, Function is Desire, Pleasure, Change, Emotions, Creation

Needs & Issues- Movement, Sensations, Emotions, Sexuality, Desire, Need, Pleasure

From Anodea Judith in Eastern Body Western Mind:
"When emotions are excessive, we can shift our awareness to the sensations in our body. Emotions want to move out, to take action and be recognized. We need to balance that by moving in and paying attention to to the self inside. By consciously bringing our attention inward, the emotions soften and bring us a richer tapestry of information and connection."  

trusting stillness

I've been so focused on sacral chakra healing that I didn't even see my root chakra screaming for attention. Actually, that's a lie, I saw it staring me right in the face, I just chose to ignore it...the stillness, the idea of facing the shadows that lurk inside, setting boundaries, the fears...yuck, it all seems so much less exciting than the movement, creativity, sexuality, emotion and pleasure that makes up the second chakra. Even as I dove deep into my sacral chakra, teaching and taking classes full of deep hip openers, and a whole lot of exploration, my root put me right in my place. Again, here I am trying to fly through another process instead of taking my time to set up the proper foundation. Slowly, I'm giving in. As I'm dragged out onto solid ground my stubborn self emerges and dives back deep into the water...only to be pulled back out. The moments up until I decide to allow myself to be still and ground myself are possibly amusing and maybe even, for those around me, flat out irritating as I try to resist this stillness. In the end it's still somewhat unsettling...and somewhat unstill, but also exciting in the sense that this is really new for me. What I'm experiencing is similar to when you're in a yoga pose and you can't find the joy in it but you smile anyway and from out of nowhere joy bubbles up to the surface. Calm takes over your body even with that strange sensation you initially wanted to escape. Contrasting sensations existing at the same time. It's interesting that I'm always ready to leap, to fly, to run but in this stillness there is still just as much excitement, just as much to explore. My curiosity now running wild with the idea of what it means that you can feel opposite extremes in one moment. It surprised me, but my experience so far has shown me that I can explore depths I never knew existed, a deep peace that still feels very much alive and not complacent at all, and that I can open up with ease in this space. Allowing myself to let go and be supported has shown me how much support I truly have. I've been floating along lost in open water for so long that this feels like the most exciting experience I've had. I can actually create a life for myself here. I have a foundation to build onto and I can keep building up because nothing is crumbling anymore.

Root Chakra Tidbits

Located at the Base of the Spine, Color is Red, Element is Earth, Function is Survival, Grounding

Needs & Issues- the body, foundation, survival, roots, grounding, nourishment, trust, home, family, health, prosperity, safety, right to be here, appropriate boundaries.

From Anodea Judith in Eastern Body Western Mind:
"Without grounding we are unstable. we lose our center, fly off the handle, get swept off our feet, or daydream in the fantasy world. We lose our ability to contain, which is the ability to have and to hold. If we cannot contain, we cannot hold our boundaries and build up inner power; thus we cannot mature. Without boundaries, natural excitement gets dissipated and diluted and becomes ineffectual. When we lose our ground, our attention wanders and we appear vague and insubstantial." 

inspirations

"Life is a growing expedition through the tangled and unfilled-in parts. What happens after age nine? Because of the fear we don't trust our own life? Our story? Our colors? To be afraid and leap regardless there is such power in that. To live into the questions of our lives when nothing feels clear. We have this chance to do absolutely anything, to reach out to another, vulnerable and true. To dance on the roof in euphoria, to pray into the ocean and let go. We have this chance every moment to be alive and give to this world, which needs each one of us. We must show up for our own life. Be brave be messy be loud be strong trust yourself."

~Sabrina Ward Harrison "The True and the Questions"

naked without a flashlight

Allowing myself to be vulnerable is, surprisingly, a bizarre experience. For me, it's a strange mixture of things. Things that I wouldn't have thought would make someone feel vulnerable, like getting out of my head, letting myself get excited, staying in one place and resisting the urge to move, trusting people and myself. Its allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, sometimes insane, happy, excited, completely confused, calm, focused, scattered, afraid, silly, rebellious...everything and anything. Beyond just allowing myself to feel, its being open to other people seeing me during these experiences. It might sound silly, but its definitely something I have to make a conscious effort to do.

Staying where I am and not running from people, places, things, feelings, or whatever, has left me feeling wide open and in a sense totally naked. What happens if I stay in one place? If I let people get close to me? If I stick with one job? If I don't over think something to the point of complete confusion? If I trust when I can see what's in front of me? What will happen when I take all of the layers off that once covered me? Its fun and terrifying all at the same time. The best part is that I feel happier, more alive and more like myself than ever before. I'm actually making tough decisions without relying on someone else to tell me it'll be alright. It's bringing me closer to people I care about and allowing me to care about people I would typically push away. Opportunities are appearing almost out of nowhere...most likely because I've decided to actually stay put.

The more I'm able shut off the constant wonderings of my mind, the clearer I become and the easier it is to appreciate this wide open feeling. What once seemed so scary is in reality not scary at all. Obviously, without all that chatter I can actually hear what I know to be true. In the movie, "More Business of Being Born", there is a part where they are talking about walking outside in the dark and when you use a flashlight, you actually see less because you are only able to see where the light is beaming ahead. Without the flashlight you can see what's all around you. Hearing this just clicked for me. I know they were only talking about a flashlight, but it connected so much to what I was doing with my life. I get so busy trying to figure out what's ahead that I am literally missing all of the incredible things that I have surrounding me right now. Leaving that flashlight behind, at first, is frightening and most definitely vulnerable, but as I adjust I'm able to see in what once looked like darkness.

crawl first

It's funny when people in your life tell you certain things over and over and then all of a sudden one day you get it. What's so obvious to others isn't always so clear to us at first. While I'm racing around trying to get the most out of life, I end up becoming so totally oblivious to what's literally right in front of my face. We all do it, we focus on things we think are so important that the seemingly smaller things get lost. Out of the many things I have become almost too aware of recently is how the expectations I have for myself are affecting my ability to grow in any one direction. I manage to sprout off in multiple directions and instead of nourishing myself at the root, I start planting new seeds. Sometimes even picking up and starting whole new gardens. While I've had a lot of fun enjoying the excitement of the planting process, I've never actually given myself a chance to grow what I originally started. I expect myself to be a full grown tree once I plant the seed...which when I think about it that way, it seems completely ridiculous. My mom told me I was always that way. For years she's been telling me that it started even as a baby. I didn't want to crawl and then walk, I just wanted to get up and walk...that led to just as much frustration as I've experienced each time I do something similar. It seems like the only thing to do now is pay attention to wanting to skip the process and allow myself to be right where I am. At the moment, I'm enjoying the process of allowing myself to experience what I feel, or think without trying to change, to just let it be there until its time for it to take a new form. I will most definitely be needing reminders along the way...