hide and seek

photo by me :)

It's strange to have an experience leave me disoriented and peaceful at the same time. There are things I kept locked away so tightly that I didn't know they existed until a few years ago. Even then, there was a part of me that carried doubt in it even happening. Now I find myself having moments where it feels like it belongs to someone else. I guess if something is that hidden it's also going to be something that seems too unreal to have happened. So here I am, deeper within this chunk of my past, disoriented. The peace that runs through me, over me, that fills me, is a peace connected to knowing. The thing I attempted to run from, to hide from, was the very thing I had been seeking. As if this huge missing piece of myself was needed in order to make sense of the rest of my life. Now that it's uncovered at this depth, I don't feel any missing pieces, no need to search. On top of that, I have this fire ignited within to create something out of this deep healing.

Things happen that are sometimes so intense they're hard to look at. Ultimately, there's a brilliance with equal power, within that same experience, waiting to be discovered, waiting to inspire. I feel that inspiration, that call. Even though I have moments of wild emotion, I'm excited. Excited to let it go, excited about the surge of inspiration running through my whole being, and excited about this new sense of strength and peace that I am now filled with.

I believe the deep peace I feel comes from a willingness to be uncomfortable. Instead of running, hiding, resisting it, I now have the ability to look at it, to see the truth in all of its strangeness. It took effort to stop moving, changing jobs, or escaping when I got too close to feeling something, when I felt vulnerable. When we allow vulnerability and discomfort to surface with the little things, we develop a strength for the bigger stuff. It doesn't mean that experience is less painful or less powerful, but now it's balanced with sweetness, with the ability to surrender and allow.

Is it possible to take the time to acknowledge what you hide from? If so, what would happen if you looked it right in the face so you could finally take back your power? Knowing that it doesn't define you. Instead, let it provide the awareness you need to move forward and dance in your truth.