frozen

photo by me :)

I hear my voice dull, sometimes, disconnected. It frustrates me. It's like I speak as if no one is inside. I know I'm here, and I want to express that but that doesn't change anything. The part of me that thinks I need to be guarded to be safe creates that voice. Why can't my body understand what my mind does? Why do these moments make me feel trapped in things I don't believe anymore? It's not only my voice that becomes detached and frozen, my body wants to cave in, it can feel harder to breathe, my whole body expresses this fear of being unsafe, fear of showing emotion, not being enough, repeating mistakes, and strangely enough, lately, fear of what happens now that I finally don't feel so broken inside. Weird right? I feel more myself and somehow that seems foreign. I want to stay whole, and don't want to go back to being broken. I'm afraid that I will take a step forward and "mess up" this new feeling. Even though I trust I'll move forward and remain whole, my body hesitates.

This feeling of fear shows up in my body and I'm reminded of when I was 19. I had been snowboarding for a couple years when I took a trip with my family to Vermont. During our last day, I went over a jump and landed on what turned out to be a non-existent layer of snow covering a large area of solid ice. Deceiving. My board went spinning. Before I could get control over the board, I was sent flying backwards down the mountain hitting my head on another patch of barely covered ice. Everything went black. When the next year rolled around, I didn't really give the fall a second thought. Falling happens. When I got my board on and got on
the chairlift I felt my body begin to freeze up. It seemed a little weird but honestly the chairlift exit was still not something I really looked forward to and it was the first time of the year. Once it was time to make my way back down I totally froze up. My legs locked up and my belly felt tight. It didn't make any sense so I just made myself go down. Big mess. Or at least it felt like it. It was like I had never been on a snowboard before. I would know what I needed to do but my body refused to respond. So I tried again and again until I was completely confused and annoyed. I told myself it must be this mountain. But it happened again, on a familiar mountain. Curious, confused, frustrated, I got a private lesson and told the teacher "this might sound crazy but I fell last year and I'm not scared mentally, but I think my body is. Can you even help with that?" It felt like such a ridiculous question at the time. I couldn't even understand how that would be possible. Turns out she had a similar experience and totally helped me through it. We just went step by step together which allowed me to work through the fear that had resided in my body. I'm so grateful for her understanding and for my love of snowboarding to encourage me to move beyond the fear.

This happens to all of us. Things that have been stored inside still exist in our bodies if we don't deal with it, even with the knowledge that the fear isn't the truth. There can be layers of fear, and emotion that need to be worked through. At times that frustrates me because I find myself wanting my body to see what my mind does. The mind and body don't work the same way. What we know to be true in our minds might take acting on that truth so the body learns too. Continuing to relax and take steps while feeling supported and safe until finally the body begins to ease up and allows us to fully move with ease and grace. The movement, forward motion, in both body and mind and trust are what seem to help. Otherwise, we sit in the stagnant energy of fear in our bodies continuing to allow it to control our actions, our feelings. The desire to grow or move beyond the fear has to exist to motivate this forward motion. If snowboarding hadn't been something I wanted to continue and if I wasn't so curious about why my body was stuck when my mind wasn't, I don't think I would have gotten on another snowboard. Motivation from wanting to continue to create what I'm passionate about allows me to move through the physical feelings of fear that arose recently.

Think about it, a block of ice doesn't thaw out immediately. It needs a warmer temperature and time. In that same way we need to be compassionate towards ourselves, to nurture each step we take and to trust and be patient as our bodies receive the new message we are sending. 

root & flow

Playlist from last weeks Prenatal class

Jagadeesha         Trevor Hall
Come to me        Wah!
Other Ways        Trevor Hall
Love Will Take You  Angus & Julia Stone
Wish Man       Trevor Hall
Eastern Glow       The Album Leaf
Gayatri Mantra     Deva Premal
O Haleakala          Trevor Hall
Sri Krishna           Wah!
Walk Quietly         Trevor Hall

roots

Wish Man                      Trevor hall
Wake Me                       Message to Bears
Ganapati Om                 Donna De Lory
Jagadeesha                     Trevor Hall
The Tourist                    Message to Bears
The Light                       The Album Leaf
O Haleakala                   Trevor Hall
Dream of Thaw              Balmorhea
Green Mountain State    Trevor Hall
Daylight Goodbye          Message to Bears
January Rain                   David Gray
Walk Quietly                   Trevor Hall
We Move Lightly            Dustin O'Halloran

let go

Familiar                       Nils Frahm
Mool Mantra               Amrit Kirtan
Twilight                       Wah!
Baba Hanuman            Heather and Benjy Wertheimer
Ra Ma Da Sa               Snatam Kaur
Om Namah Shiviya     Donna De Lory
Chakra Journey            Anugama
Gayatri                         Deva Premal
Baleen Morning           Balmorhea

sounds of hope

My heart felt a little heavy today. With this heaviness I seem to have fallen into some clarity, some lightness, room to breathe more deeply. When people I love leave this world I tend to receive beautiful gifts. I truly believe we all receive them. For some reason I've become especially aware of their lack of physical presence as well as the strength in their energetic presence. It's a confusing moment to feel emptiness and fullness all at the same time. As I'm writing this I noticed the song that "randomly" came on is titled Hope. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a message from my beautiful and incredibly strong cousin who seems to be much closer to me now. It's moments like these that are so pure, so raw and filled with mixed emotion, tears of joy and sadness melting into one another.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how fear creates these barriers within. How exactly do I take down all the walls I've put up? Am I strong enough to make the changes I'd like to make? As strange as it seems, my cousin moving on to wherever it is she's gone to has given me this strength in knowing I will just do it. I feel like I was shown how important it is that I move forward in all areas of my life, rather than focusing on some while ignoring the rest. My heart can't be open in some areas but closed in others. It feels disjointed and unbalanced, insecurities ready to creep in from the shadows when I'm not looking. If I'm afraid of what effect expressing the large amount of love inside will have, of course its going to bring up negative experiences. It's as if I've surrounded that love, joy, and passion in my heart with little creatures of fear. Eliminating these unwanted creatures means that I can radiate love without remnants of fear, or distrust. Sending out love in its simplest form will bring only love right back to me. This song called Hope, with no words just music, is a message that I'm strong enough to transform the fear into love.

Heart Chakra Tidbits
 
Location Chest, Heart, Cardiac Plexus , Color is Green, Element is Air,  Function is Love,  Purpose is Love and Balance
 
Issues- Love, Balance, Self-Love, Relationship, Intimacy, Devotion, Reaching Out and Taking In

From Anodea Judith in Eastern Body Western Mind:"As we reflect upon ourselves, we integrate more and more pieces of ourselves. Our sense of the whole becomes larger and stronger. Like an ecosystem whose stability and magnificence increases with diversity, the whole of a person gains beauty and stability as more and more parts become integrated. We become more complex, more mature, and capable of greater and greater possibilities."

pause

Baleen Morning                     Balmorhea   
Love And Some Verses          Iron & Wine    
Heart Sutra                             Wah!   
Feel Good Lost Reprise         Broken Social Scene   
Familiar                                  Nils Frahm   
Om Mani Padme Hum           Wah!           
Bolo Ram                               Wah!   
Learn Yourself                       The Beautiful Girls   
Song for You                         Alexi Murdoch   
We Float                                Dustin O'Halloran   
You've Got the Kind of Nerve I Like            Tiny Ruins               
Suni-ai (slow)                        Snatam Kaur   
Anusara Prayer                      Wah!  
Om Namah Shiviya / Thy Will Be Done           Donna De Lory  

soul shine

Runner                    Dustin O'Halloran
Heart Sutra              Wah!
We Float                  Dustin O'Halloran
You Can Run           The Orbweavers
The Light                 The Album Leaf
Let's Forget All the Things That We Say       Julia Stone
Eastern Glow           The Album Leaf
Expression               Helen Jane Long
Follow the Sun         Xavier Rudd
Ong Namo                Snatam Kaur (live in concert)
We Move Lightly     Dustin O'Halloran
Baleen Morning       Balmorhea
January Rain            David Gray
Snow and Light       Dustin O'Halloran
Anusara Prayer        Wah!

hearts

Home           Dustin O'Halloran 

Guru Om            Donna De Lory
 
Ganesha            Wah!   

My Better Self             Tennis 
            
Awake My Soul            Mumford & Sons   

Gaytri mantra            Yoga Mix       

Let It Fall           Lykke Li   

Cloud Generator          Tycho   

I Am Mine            Brooke Waggoner   

The Minnow & The Trout            A Fine Frenzy   

Expression            Helen Jane Long       

We Move Lightly            Dustin O'Halloran     
 
Om Namah Shiviya / Thy Will Be Done            Donna De Lory   

Snow and Light            Dustin O'Halloran   

Steal His Heart            Emily and The Woods
             
Dream of Thaw            Balmorhea   

Anusara Prayer            Wah!    Opening to Bliss   

findings

Life has a way of throwing unexpected moments our direction. Even knowing that nothing is ever certain, these moments come as a surprise. We can either get carried away by the shock of the experience or we can accept it, find our strength, and move through it with gratitude. When one of these moments recently found its way into my life I noticed something different take place. I grounded myself, allowed time to let emotions run through me and began moving forward. Typically, I fight the grounding stage and either go straight into the emotion or even worse I skip emotions and go right on trying to move forward. When I skip grounding myself there is nothing to contain the feelings I have and they go spilling out all over the place. It's totally messy and takes forever to pull it together again. It's like picking up pieces of myself like shattered glass you keep finding for days. Those lost pieces of glass are usually found first by the soles of my feet, not my eyes. Sadness, anger, confusion, hurt and everything else that gets thrown about, when without a proper container, has the same effect. At some point I have to deal with these scattered emotions because they always find me. I guess for this reason I've gotten into the habit of skipping over the need to experience what I'm feeling. Going straight to my core, my strength, everything's great, better than great...at first. It's like I can take on anything and I become this powerhouse of unrealistic positivity. Just as quickly as that force rolls in, it disappears almost entirely. I'm left exhausted and feel completely unable to deal with all the emotional junk that seems to empty out of me all in one shot. It becomes too overwhelming to come across those pieces of glass I start stepping on because they are everywhere. Big mess. Skipping steps truly makes the process last longer. Experiencing each part of the process this time has been incredible in more ways than I can even explain. By choosing strength, I connected with parts of myself I haven't seen in way too long. Instead of shattering I became more whole. I have that comfy, stable, breath of fresh air kind of feeling I get when walking into my home after traveling for a long time. As I place my bags down I think "so, this is where I live" because in that moment it is so familiar and somehow so new. Fresh eyes make everything beautiful. These moments of self discovery are completely uplifting and inspiring. Life feels brighter this way. I feel clearer, more grateful and alive.


Solar Plexus Chakra Tidbits
 
Location Navel, Solar Plexus, Color is Yellow, Element is Fire,  Function is Will, Power, Self-knowledge, Purpose is Transformation
 
Issues- Energy, Activity, Autonomy, Individuation, Will, Self-Esteem, Proactivity, Power

From Anodea Judith in Eastern Body Western Mind: "...give up the attachment to being safe. This involves giving up wanting everything assured ahead of time and accepting that there might be some criticism, challenge, misunderstandings, rejection, or a possibility of failure. While safety may be important for survival issues and developing emotions, it is no challenge to our power if everything we do is already removed from any real risk...The challenge of power is to mature, accept responsibility, and carve the shape of our future through our own proactivity. Our power increases through meeting challenges and resolving them successfully. We must be willing to take risks, venture into the unknown, and escape the gravity of the familiar in order to expand upward and outward in the journey..."