inspirations

"Life is a growing expedition through the tangled and unfilled-in parts. What happens after age nine? Because of the fear we don't trust our own life? Our story? Our colors? To be afraid and leap regardless there is such power in that. To live into the questions of our lives when nothing feels clear. We have this chance to do absolutely anything, to reach out to another, vulnerable and true. To dance on the roof in euphoria, to pray into the ocean and let go. We have this chance every moment to be alive and give to this world, which needs each one of us. We must show up for our own life. Be brave be messy be loud be strong trust yourself."

~Sabrina Ward Harrison "The True and the Questions"

naked without a flashlight

Allowing myself to be vulnerable is, surprisingly, a bizarre experience. For me, it's a strange mixture of things. Things that I wouldn't have thought would make someone feel vulnerable, like getting out of my head, letting myself get excited, staying in one place and resisting the urge to move, trusting people and myself. Its allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, sometimes insane, happy, excited, completely confused, calm, focused, scattered, afraid, silly, rebellious...everything and anything. Beyond just allowing myself to feel, its being open to other people seeing me during these experiences. It might sound silly, but its definitely something I have to make a conscious effort to do.

Staying where I am and not running from people, places, things, feelings, or whatever, has left me feeling wide open and in a sense totally naked. What happens if I stay in one place? If I let people get close to me? If I stick with one job? If I don't over think something to the point of complete confusion? If I trust when I can see what's in front of me? What will happen when I take all of the layers off that once covered me? Its fun and terrifying all at the same time. The best part is that I feel happier, more alive and more like myself than ever before. I'm actually making tough decisions without relying on someone else to tell me it'll be alright. It's bringing me closer to people I care about and allowing me to care about people I would typically push away. Opportunities are appearing almost out of nowhere...most likely because I've decided to actually stay put.

The more I'm able shut off the constant wonderings of my mind, the clearer I become and the easier it is to appreciate this wide open feeling. What once seemed so scary is in reality not scary at all. Obviously, without all that chatter I can actually hear what I know to be true. In the movie, "More Business of Being Born", there is a part where they are talking about walking outside in the dark and when you use a flashlight, you actually see less because you are only able to see where the light is beaming ahead. Without the flashlight you can see what's all around you. Hearing this just clicked for me. I know they were only talking about a flashlight, but it connected so much to what I was doing with my life. I get so busy trying to figure out what's ahead that I am literally missing all of the incredible things that I have surrounding me right now. Leaving that flashlight behind, at first, is frightening and most definitely vulnerable, but as I adjust I'm able to see in what once looked like darkness.

crawl first

It's funny when people in your life tell you certain things over and over and then all of a sudden one day you get it. What's so obvious to others isn't always so clear to us at first. While I'm racing around trying to get the most out of life, I end up becoming so totally oblivious to what's literally right in front of my face. We all do it, we focus on things we think are so important that the seemingly smaller things get lost. Out of the many things I have become almost too aware of recently is how the expectations I have for myself are affecting my ability to grow in any one direction. I manage to sprout off in multiple directions and instead of nourishing myself at the root, I start planting new seeds. Sometimes even picking up and starting whole new gardens. While I've had a lot of fun enjoying the excitement of the planting process, I've never actually given myself a chance to grow what I originally started. I expect myself to be a full grown tree once I plant the seed...which when I think about it that way, it seems completely ridiculous. My mom told me I was always that way. For years she's been telling me that it started even as a baby. I didn't want to crawl and then walk, I just wanted to get up and walk...that led to just as much frustration as I've experienced each time I do something similar. It seems like the only thing to do now is pay attention to wanting to skip the process and allow myself to be right where I am. At the moment, I'm enjoying the process of allowing myself to experience what I feel, or think without trying to change, to just let it be there until its time for it to take a new form. I will most definitely be needing reminders along the way...