naked without a flashlight

Allowing myself to be vulnerable is, surprisingly, a bizarre experience. For me, it's a strange mixture of things. Things that I wouldn't have thought would make someone feel vulnerable, like getting out of my head, letting myself get excited, staying in one place and resisting the urge to move, trusting people and myself. Its allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, sometimes insane, happy, excited, completely confused, calm, focused, scattered, afraid, silly, rebellious...everything and anything. Beyond just allowing myself to feel, its being open to other people seeing me during these experiences. It might sound silly, but its definitely something I have to make a conscious effort to do.

Staying where I am and not running from people, places, things, feelings, or whatever, has left me feeling wide open and in a sense totally naked. What happens if I stay in one place? If I let people get close to me? If I stick with one job? If I don't over think something to the point of complete confusion? If I trust when I can see what's in front of me? What will happen when I take all of the layers off that once covered me? Its fun and terrifying all at the same time. The best part is that I feel happier, more alive and more like myself than ever before. I'm actually making tough decisions without relying on someone else to tell me it'll be alright. It's bringing me closer to people I care about and allowing me to care about people I would typically push away. Opportunities are appearing almost out of nowhere...most likely because I've decided to actually stay put.

The more I'm able shut off the constant wonderings of my mind, the clearer I become and the easier it is to appreciate this wide open feeling. What once seemed so scary is in reality not scary at all. Obviously, without all that chatter I can actually hear what I know to be true. In the movie, "More Business of Being Born", there is a part where they are talking about walking outside in the dark and when you use a flashlight, you actually see less because you are only able to see where the light is beaming ahead. Without the flashlight you can see what's all around you. Hearing this just clicked for me. I know they were only talking about a flashlight, but it connected so much to what I was doing with my life. I get so busy trying to figure out what's ahead that I am literally missing all of the incredible things that I have surrounding me right now. Leaving that flashlight behind, at first, is frightening and most definitely vulnerable, but as I adjust I'm able to see in what once looked like darkness.